I find myself in an oddly familiar state: Denial.
I get like this every time a big life-changing event comes around. I was in denial up until two weeks before high school graduation.
I can't afford denial this time around; I have to register to graduate (occurs in May) by late November. I have to take the GRE, which is not stuffed down my throat like the SAT was. I have to apply to grad schools, which will be considerably less easy than my "apply to one school with a special no-essay-no-fee early application, get in, and don't apply anywhere else because that's where you wanted to go in the first place" method from high school. I researched schools for about twenty minutes over two months that time around; I've been looking at schools far more intensely for a little while longer this time.
This is my last year of undergrad, come hell or high water. If I don't graduate, well, I'm out of money. So.
Anyway, this was all brought on by wandering around campus and seeing all the freshmen. It suddenly struck me how young they all look, and I realized that everyone on campus except the 1990 summer-born seniors and the odd fifth-year senior is younger than me. That's about five eighths of the university population. A lot of people are still the same age as me, but it's still so weird. SO. WEIRD.
I feel like this warrants a "what I wish I had known" post, but I honestly enjoyed my period of learning. For the most part. Except for the first half of first semester freshman year...
So here's the things that I would go back in time and tell myself.
1. You do not have to eat all the food in the cafeteria. I know there's a lot of food, but you just became vegetarian. You can't afford to get all your protein from cheese. Try for a salad with beans, even though you don't like cold beans. Just try it once a week. Maybe then you won't be crippled by a dislike of salads FOUR YEARS LATER.
2. College is harder than high school. I know you were the smart kid in high school. You coasted through and didn't actually pick up any study skills. Sure, you can write a decent essay and do some pretty good math, but your college professors aren't teaching classes of ten or twenty people. Lots of first year science classes are packed with non-majors, including yourself, and they aren't going to make review sheets with everything you need to know. You have to study, and you'll still get Bs. In fact, you'll fail some tests regardless of how hard you study. Get over it, princess. If you don't just roll with it and summon the willpower to do better on the next test, you'll have a breakdown in your adviser's office.
3. Study abroad. You already want to, now just do it and don't look back. Go with an open mind and a fairly empty suitcase and come back laden down with memories.
That one was cheating, because I actually did that. But you should, too.
4. Make sure you clean your hair out of the shower every time you use it sophomore year. You have really long dark brown hair, and it bugs the crap out of other people when you leave it on the floor. It's just polite to clean that up, if only so they don't blame you instinctively for the clogged drains.
There are lots of things I feel obligated to add, like "open up more in class" and "relax around other people" but I really don't want to. I like who I am and who my friends are now, and I look back fondly on the years before I met my current close friends. I'm kind of the quiet one in class; my housemate said she mentioned me in conversation with other chemistry majors in our year and had to describe me as "the quiet girl with the really long brown hair." This elicited an immediate "oh, yeah," response from everyone.
I'm okay with this. It might bother a lot of people, but I don't go to class to socialize. I'll sit with people I know and chat before and after class, and I'm friendly with people in the class, but I don't need my friends around to feel comfortable.
Introverts of the world, nothing is wrong with you. You don't have to be BFFs with everyone in your class, and you don't have to relax around large crowds if you don't want to. It's okay to be "the quiet one" as long as you're happy and comfortable in your skin. You do still need to learn how to deal with an extrovert-focused world, but you don't have to change who you are.
03 September 2012
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